the beauty between pt. 1

Some of my post-grad days are really good. I love the days when I’m off and get to spend time reading a good book, or when I get lunch with close friends I haven’t caught up with in a while. When I take a trip with my family, or dress up to go somewhere on a Saturday, I’m think to myself “life is really fun”. But some days just aren’t. Some days, I make mistakes or give the wrong answers at work and have to talk about it. Some days I get home at 9 because I didn’t manage my time well and have to wake up at 5 am to do it all again. Or I have to cancel dinner plans with a friend for the 3rd time because I’m just too exhausted and go more weeks without seeing them. It stinks.

I don’t feel hopeless, but I don’t feel at peace either. I’m stuck in between.

So to motivate myself, I just rush through life. Which I think we all tend to do. We all “can’t wait” for the week to be over, or for summer to come, or for a marriage to begin, or for the next paycheck. We are always looking for the next thing because we have this urge for more of something. More security, more love, more satisfaction. But we’re always left wanting more afterwards.

For the past 2 months, I’ve been listening to this really incredible album by King’s Kaleidoscope called The Beauty Between. It’s an album about being present where you are, in the “between” parts of life – right in the middle of two extremes. About how everything is not black or white, so you kinda just hang out in this gray area. About how not everything makes sense, or is defined, or is even planned to expectation, and how uncomfortable that can be. But as the album goes on it shares, quite melodically, how beautiful those parts of life are still.

While I don’t feel like my mundane life is beautiful all the time, I’m reminded that I’m merely wrong, and that it is. How beautiful is it to laugh and to cry and to ask questions and to know the answers and to fail and to succeed. How beautiful it is that going to work at 6 am means seeing the sunrise and that near or far, I still have friends that feel like sunshine.

There’s so many gaps and deficiencies in life and we simply can’t fill them all in. I feel like I’m dosey-doeing through them, but luckily I’ve got a faithful dance Partner.

I fortunately fall into the beauty between.

Image result for between a rock and a hard place

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just do it

I was talking to someone the other day who felt like she was stuck in a spot. She shared how she has longed to move on & be the foster mom she’s always wanted to be, but feels like she has issues to work through first. Issues that have been in place for years, but haven’t been resolved because of work and negligence of counseling. I asked her if she felt like these problems had to be fixed right now in order for her to achieve motherhood, and she said she doesn’t know if it’s really holding her up, or if it’s just an excuse.

We think that because we are not as loving as we could be, as selfless as we could be, as adventurous as we could be, that we can’t do great things right now. We are perfectionists, and want to show up in tip-top shape, looking our best, but God does the coolest things when we are the most out of shape. He wants to meet us right where we are, in the grit and rubble of our lives, and show us how He can take something that is broken, and remake it into something that is beautiful. You don’t need to be all fixed up and wrapped with big red bow to be useful. Sometimes, we have to be really screwed up in order to recognize our need. I think that is incredible.

I struggle with this a lot. There are some goals I want to achieve that I won’t say out loud because I don’t want to fully commit, or I’m scared it won’t come to fruition. There are so many opportunities that I turn down or run away from because I don’t think I’m a good enough person to go for them. I think there’s a lot of work to be done and I never think that I’m ready to take on certain tasks that come my way. But having these weaknesses and doubts are a chance to see what grace is all about. Some of the greatest growth and blessings come through not knowing what the hell you’re getting yourself into. Not being ready. Being broken.

Embrace the fact that you may not be your best self. You think you’re unlikely; well you’re not. God has used some of the most amateur, unlikely people to take on his most marvelous deeds.